T.O. Be Or Not T.O. Be?

How do you do it, Terrell Owens?

How do you get booted off a team that hasn’t won a playoff game since 1996?

How do you get cut from the team that gave Adam “Pacman” Jones another chance to screw up?

How do you get ousted from a team whose main focus seems to be reality shows?  One show, set to air on Spike this spring, will feature 12 athletes fighting for the Cowboys’ last training camp spot.  Another show, which airs on CMT (the network that makes Larry the Cable Guy look like Laurence Olivier), revolves around the Cowboys’ cheerleaders.  Wow!

It isn’t job performance.  In his three years with the Cowboys, Owens caught 38 touchdowns while putting up a robust 3,587 receiving yards. 

For a physical receiver with Hall of Fame numbers, the discussion centering on whether or not to take a chance on Owens involves more risk than reward.  There are plenty of teams in the league that could use a receiver of Owens’ caliber, but the baggage he brings with him is not welcome in many camps.  One of my favorite sports writers, Tim Cowlishaw of the Dallas Morning News, says that Owens’ career may even be over.

So what are you going to do, T.O.?  If you can’t get signed by another team, what else are you qualified for?  Well, unlike your previous three teams, you haven’t worn out your welcome with me.  I’m going to help you get back on your feet by getting you a job, free of charge.  Unlike The Ladders, which promises “100K jobs for 100K talent,” my service is called Broken Escalators.  I land 45K jobs for 200K talent that have blown +500K opportunities.  Here are some possibilities:

Job #1 – Registered nurse:  I see you played college football at the University of Tennessee-Chattanooga.  Tennessee is a state with a great reputation for health care, and while I suggest you visit Nashville for a shot with the Tennessee Titans, you should also stop by a few of the fantastic hospitals in downtown Music City and apply to become a nurse.  It pays well and you can help others, even though patients may not trust your ability to handle prescription pain medication after that “suicide scare” in 2006.  On second thought, becoming a nurse just isn’t in the cards right now.

Job #2 – Day care operator:  Let’s face it, you’ve been a model citizen off the field.  No arrests, no steroids, no strip club run-ins, and you seem to be a pretty spiritual guy.  You also keep a Sharpie in your sock, so I know you’re always prepared.  I think you’d make a great candidate to look after children.  You’ve acted like a child your whole career, so it should be no problem relating to a few rugrats, right?  And no, there is no need to worry about the children having slumber parties where they draw up plays for everyone else but you. It just doesn’t happen that way.  OK, so maybe putting you in a place where you can mold young minds with your brand of idiocy isn’t the best thing for you, either.    

Job #3 – Actor:  “What do I have to be jealous of?  Look at me, I’m handsome as hell.”  That’s what you told reporters last December.  I like that confidence, and to be a terrible actor, you’ll need tons of it.  After all, plenty of actors get work based on their looks, not their talent (do I take another shot at McConaughey here?).  I even have your first gig lined up.  You’re going to be Fred the Chiseled Coffee House Manager on ABCs “Desperate Housewives.”  You’ve already shown an on-screen rapport with one of the show’s stars, Nicollette Sheridan.  Remember that spot you did before your Monday Night Football game in 2004, when you were in uniform in the Eagles’ locker room and Sheridan, in character as Edie, tried to get you to skip the game against your then-future Cowboys by dropping her towel and appearing naked in front of you?  Remember it caused such a controversy that ABC later apologized for the sketch?  That’s chemistry, baby!  You can’t buy that kind of publicity!  What?  Sheridan’s leaving the show this year?  Damn.      

You know what, T.O., forget about this.  There are plenty of athletes out there that put up big numbers and destroy team morale while making the big bucks.  If Manny Ramirez can score a $45 million contract with his awful reputation, then we’ll get you the chance to play for a fourth team.  You may be 35, but there are still a few good years left in you.  You never know, you may end up catching balls from Michael Vick in Minnesota!