Who Dey: The Musical!

Let it be said before I begin this blog:  I am from Dayton, Ohio, and I love the Cincinnati Bengals.  Wow, I feel so much better.  Now I’m ready to face the other 11 steps…

As you know, the NFL is getting ready for Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa, Florida.  The last Super Bowl to feature the Bengals was Super XXIII in Miami, Florida.  For those who prefer their numerals to be numbers, the Bengals’ last Super Bowl trip was on January 22, 1989, twenty years ago today.

To mark this anniversary of mediocrity, I’ve decided to bring some hardware home to Cincinnati.  No, not the Lombardi Trophy.  Ha!  I’m talking about a Tony Award.

Yes, I’ve begun casting for the most entertaining piece of NFL artistry since the Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle.  I’m talking about the brand-new Broadway smash, Who Dey: The Musical!  It’s a song-and-dance journey through 40 years of franchise ineptitude.

Here is what the cast looks like so far:

Paul Brown – Played by Matthew McConaughey.  Brown was the former founder/coach of the Cleveland Browns, who brought professional football back to Cincinnati in 1967.  I hate Brown for all the pain and suffering he has caused me, but I can’t help but love my Bengals.  McConaughey is the same way for me.  I hate him so much until I watch him as Wooderson in “Dazed and Confused,” then I let him slide for “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”  McConaughey will be featured on the bongos, of course.  

Norman “Boomer” Esiason – Played by Doug Flutie.  There is no doubt who was a better quarterback on the field, but both are good guys off the field who have contributed to fighting cystic fibrosis and autism, respectively.   Plus, we know Flutie has the chops from playing drums in the Flutie Brothers Band.  Seriously folks, I can’t make that up.

Joe Montana – Played by RuPaul.  I’m sure the former San Francisco 49ers QB is a nice guy, but his game-winning 10 yard TD pass to John Taylor in the waning seconds of Super Bowl XXIII ruined my childhood.  He/she will be singing a rousing version of “If I Only Had a Heart.”

Elbert “Ickey” Woods – Played by Ki-Jana Carter.  Ickey was the Bengals’ rookie sensation who rushed for 1,066 yards and 15 TDs in 1988 on the way to Miami.  Unfortunately, his career was cut short after tearing his left ACL.  Running back Kenneth “Ki-Jana” Carter was chosen 1^st overall by the Bengals in the 1995 draft.  Carter’s career was also cut short after a left ACL injury, but he never led the Bengals to anything except false hopes.  Woods, with his patented Ickey Shuffle, is obviously a much better dancer than Carter ever was, but Carter really needs the work.

Dave Shula – Played by Jake Busey.  Shula, the coach of the Bengals from 1992-1996, amassed a painful 19-52 record in that span.  One wonders if he only got work because of his father, legendary NFL coach Don Shula.  Sound familiar, Jake Busey?  Dave Shula went on to become the president of Shula’s Steak Houses.  Busey, (basking in father Gary Busey’s mentally unstable glow), went on to star in "Road House 2," with no one else you’ve ever heard of.  The Shula song of the night will be “Please Forgive Me,” by Bryan Adams.

Chad“Ocho Cinco” Johnson – Played by Ricky Martin.  If Johnson insists on that preposterous Spanish nickname, he will be portrayed by the most preposterous Spanish singer I can think of.  Johnson and Martin are both flamboyant dancers, and Martin has already consented to wear a replica of Johnson’s gold grill onstage.  Martin will be singing an original tune, the Salsa-influenced “Ocho Cinco, el Shuto Your Trapo.”    

Marvin Lewis – Played by Burt Reynolds.  Lewis, the current Bengals’ coach, led the team to an AFC North title in 2005.  Of course, both men are known for taking a bunch of convicts and turning them into a football team (Reynolds did it in 1974’s “The Longest Yard).  Reynolds will be singing a big-band version of “Jailhouse Rock.”

Kimo von Oelhoffen – Played by Jeff Gillooly.  Bengals fans will always remember former Pittsburgh Steeler von Oelhoffen, who started his career in Cincinnati, for the nasty hit on Bengals’ QB Carson Palmer, busting his knee and effectively knocking the Bengals out of the 2005 playoffs.  This act inspired the NFL Rules Committee to enact the “Kimo Clause,” which requires defenders to stay away from hitting defenseless QBs below the knees.  Gillooly, the ex-husband of white-trash ice princess Tonya Harding, is the man who spearheaded the 1994 plot to knock out rival figure skater Nancy Kerrigan from competition, by taking a metal rod to her knee one month before the Olympics.  Fittingly, Gillooly will be singing Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee." 

Who Dey: The Musical! has all the makings of an amazing show.  Audiences will be floored by the singing, dancing and dangerous pyrotechnics of the production.  In fact, I’m already at work casting my next Broadway blockbuster, “At Least We’re Not the Detroit Lions!”

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